Originally posted on
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
As I make my way down my path I often get anxious. I can get depressed if It seems like I am at a standstill. I feel like I must always be advancing. I've waited so long and now that I finally know where I'm headed, I don't want to rush it, but I certainly don't want to waste any precious time either.
There are so many physical changes that we must go through in order to transition. It is easy to see how one can get all caught up in measuring their progress by physical benchmarks. Since I am currently doing HRT, extensive exercising, and laser hair removal, I couldn't think of much else to work on at the present. I did start to look into voice training and the local program for that will be starting just after the first of the year.
I started thinking about my spirituality and how it is being effected.
I'm not a particularly religious person, but I like to think I'm spiritually
healthy. I do pray, the prayer of serenity being one of my favorites (a topic
for another day). I am active at my local Presbyterian church, but lately, I
feel myself drifting away from participation. I think maybe it's because I'm
starting to wonder just how "real" it all is for me. Am I being hypocritical?
How will my brethren in the congregation feel about me once they know who I
really am? I had been assuming that at some point I would need to stop
attending... run and hide, maybe find a "T-friendly" church.
As I thought more about that, it really started to bother me. After all, the
main reason I am following a path of transition is to stop hiding. Its really
not fair of me to assume the worst in all my friends that I have worshiped with
for so many years. I should give them the benefit of the doubt... shouldn't I at
least give them a chance to be accepting? By running away, was I taking the easy
way out? I don't even know what the Presbyterian stance is on transgendered
people. I decided to do a little research to find out.
One of my first clicks after googling "Presbyterian transgender" landed me on a
very eloquent writing by a transgendered Presbyterian minister named Erin K.
Swenson. (Read it here).
I really liked what she had to say concerning her situation. Isn't it amazing how similar all our "stories" are? Our thoughts, dreams, and anguish all mirrored in one another even as most of us grew up feeling so alone, like we were "the only one." Her piece here really helped me feel better about my situation with the church and gave me some hope that maybe I will not have to run away. Aside from that, there was a really intriguing anecdotal portion, that I think everyone (not just those searching for spiritual answers) might find interesting:
"Today, two millennia hence, we still struggle
with patriarchy. In spite of ourselves, probably all of us continue to
hold the status of men above the status of women. I experience this as
mostly an unconscious thing, one that has been illuminated by my
transitioning from having the social role of male to female. For about
the first two months after I began living full time in the female role I
was having a problem bumping into people. At first I thought it was
simply a kind of emotional dizziness that had come from allowing myself
full expression of myself for the first time in a long life. But as I
went along I began to notice that my collisions were almost exclusively
with men. It took much self-analysis before I realized that men and
women navigate differently in public space. Men tend to walk directly
toward their destination, and women tend toward the more circuitous
route. I realized suddenly one day after another such collision, again
with a man, that what happens is that men take precedence over woman in
public space. Even the men who would hold open doors for me or allow me
to enter the elevator first would also walk right into me. I realized
that men have the right of way! And having navigated most of my life as
a man, I simply was navigating like a man in public while men were
expecting me to navigate like a woman. Hence we collided!" |
My searching also turned up what looks to me to be a fine little booklet called: "In God's Image." It appears to be a very thoughtful resource for dialogue about the Church and Gender Differences, by Ann Thompson Cook. This could come in very handy for when I am coming out to friends and family. I think I will order some of these.(more)
| Current mood: | peaceful |
| Current music: | Eagles, Long Road Out of Eden |
| |
In remembrance to all those who have lost their lives simply for being who they were, I pray for them, and for those who are still with us, yet being harassed and tormented for being who they are, that God will hold them in his loving light and they feel the sense of peace that others take for granted.
ad a dozen red roses waiting for her on the kitchen table with a card. I can't remember word for word, but the card came with a very lovely inscription about having a history together, through thick and thin and wanting to be in love forever. It made me cry when I read it in the store (I seem to cry a lot these days, and I must admit, it feels good to express emotion that way after so many years of keeping it all inside).